+- Beqanna (https://beqanna.com/forum)
+-- Forum: Explore (https://beqanna.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?fid=1)
+--- Forum: The Common Lands (https://beqanna.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?fid=72)
+---- Forum: Meadow (https://beqanna.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?fid=3)
+---- Thread: run love, im the truth you're afraid of; any (/showthread.php?tid=13289)
run love, im the truth you're afraid of; any - Dovev - 01-29-2017
He was always moving.
Always pacing, always raging. Blood always roared through him with a fevered heat. Bottomless black eyes always glint like hard steel, burned with bitterness and fury. Wounds always covered him, bled to the ground at his feet. Trailed in his wake like a river of pain. Outward pain that went ignored.
Today he was still.
Frozen. Locked in place. Black eyes were flat, bland. Filled to the brim with darkness and yet so empty. Like his heart. It sat aching and cold in his chest. Loud, yet so quiet. When he looked out, the world was dimmer. Almost colorless. Quieter and yet still so loud. The inward pain could not be ignored.
No matter how hard he tried.
He swallowed. Finally let his eyes trail down to his feet. To the ground beneath. He let his stare settle there. the place she lay. He watched a memory. In his mind where only he could see it. Only he could know it, the image of a flowing crimson ocean. Waving, but still. Not blood at his feet, but something softer. Warmer. And russet.. like glittering chocolate diamonds. Valuable. Priceless.
He sank slowly, purposefully to the ground. Cold with absence. Not heated by moments stolen, tenderness forced without mercy. Without guilt. Without regret.
Without regret.
Black, sunken form stretched out on his side, bone digging uncomfortably into him. His blank face rested in the grass. Grass that had been weighted down by an angel as a demon pressed her to the ground, hovered over her. Flowers that had seen a time of controlled passion, a slow and hungry exploration taken without askance. Lips that trailed burning passes down a perfect throat, savored skin with unforgettable taste. He swallowed, closed his eyes. Let the memory play, watched it without emotion.
He didn't have to breathe to smell her. Her scent was long gone, but he knew it. He'd followed it. Knew where she lived, where she slept. Where she curled next to an ever-watchful guardian in silence. Where her wings would change and make him cry.
Where he would walk away. Where he would never exist.
Where his memory would slowly die.
Where hers would always stay safely locked away in his mind.
He had a trained focus, perhaps too trained, could push anything from his thoughts. But when that wall relaxed, she was there again. They all were. Zoryn, Diz. Cerva. Atrani.
And Leliana.
And sometimes he just had to slip away for a time. Had to remember the destruction he could cause. The pain that was deeper than any wound. Deeper than she could ever heal. Deeper than the driving agony of his bone erupting slowly out of him, as it did now, scorching him with unimaginable pain as blood spilled to the earth.
Outward pain. That went ignored.
Inward pain that never could.
He was destruction. He was the end of good things.
Always pacing, always raging. Blood always roared through him with a fevered heat. Bottomless black eyes always glint like hard steel, burned with bitterness and fury. Wounds always covered him, bled to the ground at his feet. Trailed in his wake like a river of pain. Outward pain that went ignored.
Today he was still.
Frozen. Locked in place. Black eyes were flat, bland. Filled to the brim with darkness and yet so empty. Like his heart. It sat aching and cold in his chest. Loud, yet so quiet. When he looked out, the world was dimmer. Almost colorless. Quieter and yet still so loud. The inward pain could not be ignored.
No matter how hard he tried.
He swallowed. Finally let his eyes trail down to his feet. To the ground beneath. He let his stare settle there. the place she lay. He watched a memory. In his mind where only he could see it. Only he could know it, the image of a flowing crimson ocean. Waving, but still. Not blood at his feet, but something softer. Warmer. And russet.. like glittering chocolate diamonds. Valuable. Priceless.
He sank slowly, purposefully to the ground. Cold with absence. Not heated by moments stolen, tenderness forced without mercy. Without guilt. Without regret.
Without regret.
Black, sunken form stretched out on his side, bone digging uncomfortably into him. His blank face rested in the grass. Grass that had been weighted down by an angel as a demon pressed her to the ground, hovered over her. Flowers that had seen a time of controlled passion, a slow and hungry exploration taken without askance. Lips that trailed burning passes down a perfect throat, savored skin with unforgettable taste. He swallowed, closed his eyes. Let the memory play, watched it without emotion.
He didn't have to breathe to smell her. Her scent was long gone, but he knew it. He'd followed it. Knew where she lived, where she slept. Where she curled next to an ever-watchful guardian in silence. Where her wings would change and make him cry.
Where he would walk away. Where he would never exist.
Where his memory would slowly die.
Where hers would always stay safely locked away in his mind.
He had a trained focus, perhaps too trained, could push anything from his thoughts. But when that wall relaxed, she was there again. They all were. Zoryn, Diz. Cerva. Atrani.
And Leliana.
And sometimes he just had to slip away for a time. Had to remember the destruction he could cause. The pain that was deeper than any wound. Deeper than she could ever heal. Deeper than the driving agony of his bone erupting slowly out of him, as it did now, scorching him with unimaginable pain as blood spilled to the earth.
Outward pain. That went ignored.
Inward pain that never could.
He was destruction. He was the end of good things.
RE: run love, im the truth you're afraid of; any - leliana - 01-29-2017
I know what it is but I'm hoping that all is well
no harvest of green but it's still my heart to sell
I put everything I had into something that didn't grow
like going on a wild hunt, shooting arrows without a bow
RE: run love, im the truth you're afraid of; any - Dovev - 01-31-2017
He breathed through the pain, let it bleed from him. Let it beat in tune to a steady pulse. Slow, weakened, but steady. The familiar chill against his skin, followed by the irritating itch as it dripped, told him it had spilled over again. His blood drained to the earth. A passerby might think he was dying, he thought absently. They would be mistaken. Maybe. Or could he die internally and yet still live on?
A familiar warmth trickled into him, a stream of the most soothing sensation, healing magic. Hers. He flinched violently, tightened and curled in on himself. Black skull burrowed against the soft dirt as if it could cradle him. Even as his mind wished it wasn't happening, was just a dream or an illusion, his body knew the truth and drew it further in hungrily. It gripped and pulled, stole more of her as greedily as he had. Filled himself, and still couldn't get enough. His face was pinched in a strained grimace, his body full and warm and whole, and he strangled a cry of agony.
Because it healed his body.
But broke his heart.
His thin sides heaved gulps of air as though he'd been put through torture, not healed. Not cured. Not cared for. But they were all cared for with her. He struggled to a half-rise, body trembling, leaning on an elbow with his head bowed to the ground. His breath stirred the dirt an inch from his nose in wild bursts, stringy black hair curtaining his face, and shoulders hunched. His pulse was no longer slow and weak.
He kept his eyes closed, afraid to look at her, afraid to see her. Afraid of what it would do to them. Was she glaring and hating him? Were her big, brown eyes pleading and needing? Did she weep as he wished to. It was best not to know. Best not to show her the brokenness that had consumed him, the fragile glass of his cold eyes. He was not what she needed, and never would be. He should not be selfish and look at her one last time, just because he wanted to.
He swallowed, and shuddered. He fought himself. Don't look. Just ignore her, let her walk away, he thought forcefully. But his was a selfish heart, and he wanted to see her again. Just a look, just a quick glance. That was all. needed more, just a little more.
His head shifted but a fraction, a subtle change, because he could feel where she was. He could sense her as clearly as his own heartbeat. He shouldn't do this. He shouldn't let her see, shouldn't let her know. He was destruction. And perhaps she deserved to see how damaging he was. Perhaps she deserved to know she was not alone in this as she slept with the image of him swaddled around her. He was glad that she slept.
Slowly, hesitantly, around the curve of his shoulder and through a gap in his hair, he opened harshly reddened eyes. Bloodshot and tired, so dry. His breath was labored as he held himself. So tired. So empty. So broken and laid bare for her. Sleepless. Not even the blackness would claim him anymore. Even the air burned them. They rolled back and he fell heavily back on his side with a sharp exhale.
There. It was done. Now she knew he was getting his payment for hurting her, for leaving her alone in the forest that day. For not coming to find her again -not when she was awake and aware. He was destruction. Destroying her, destroying everyone. Slowly erupting from within himself just as this bone armor was. Eating away at his own life. The damage he caused could never be healed by her magic.
But for that moment, he thought he could sleep.
He could see her again. Calm, stoic, any emotion shielded from prying eyes.
Good. Be strong. Leave me as I left you and never look back.
I know I can't ask you to stay
But I've stayed awake
A familiar warmth trickled into him, a stream of the most soothing sensation, healing magic. Hers. He flinched violently, tightened and curled in on himself. Black skull burrowed against the soft dirt as if it could cradle him. Even as his mind wished it wasn't happening, was just a dream or an illusion, his body knew the truth and drew it further in hungrily. It gripped and pulled, stole more of her as greedily as he had. Filled himself, and still couldn't get enough. His face was pinched in a strained grimace, his body full and warm and whole, and he strangled a cry of agony.
Because it healed his body.
But broke his heart.
His thin sides heaved gulps of air as though he'd been put through torture, not healed. Not cured. Not cared for. But they were all cared for with her. He struggled to a half-rise, body trembling, leaning on an elbow with his head bowed to the ground. His breath stirred the dirt an inch from his nose in wild bursts, stringy black hair curtaining his face, and shoulders hunched. His pulse was no longer slow and weak.
He kept his eyes closed, afraid to look at her, afraid to see her. Afraid of what it would do to them. Was she glaring and hating him? Were her big, brown eyes pleading and needing? Did she weep as he wished to. It was best not to know. Best not to show her the brokenness that had consumed him, the fragile glass of his cold eyes. He was not what she needed, and never would be. He should not be selfish and look at her one last time, just because he wanted to.
He swallowed, and shuddered. He fought himself. Don't look. Just ignore her, let her walk away, he thought forcefully. But his was a selfish heart, and he wanted to see her again. Just a look, just a quick glance. That was all. needed more, just a little more.
His head shifted but a fraction, a subtle change, because he could feel where she was. He could sense her as clearly as his own heartbeat. He shouldn't do this. He shouldn't let her see, shouldn't let her know. He was destruction. And perhaps she deserved to see how damaging he was. Perhaps she deserved to know she was not alone in this as she slept with the image of him swaddled around her. He was glad that she slept.
Slowly, hesitantly, around the curve of his shoulder and through a gap in his hair, he opened harshly reddened eyes. Bloodshot and tired, so dry. His breath was labored as he held himself. So tired. So empty. So broken and laid bare for her. Sleepless. Not even the blackness would claim him anymore. Even the air burned them. They rolled back and he fell heavily back on his side with a sharp exhale.
There. It was done. Now she knew he was getting his payment for hurting her, for leaving her alone in the forest that day. For not coming to find her again -not when she was awake and aware. He was destruction. Destroying her, destroying everyone. Slowly erupting from within himself just as this bone armor was. Eating away at his own life. The damage he caused could never be healed by her magic.
But for that moment, he thought he could sleep.
He could see her again. Calm, stoic, any emotion shielded from prying eyes.
Good. Be strong. Leave me as I left you and never look back.
I know I can't ask you to stay
But I've stayed awake
RE: run love, im the truth you're afraid of; any - leliana - 01-31-2017
I know what it is but I'm hoping that all is well
no harvest of green but it's still my heart to sell
I put everything I had into something that didn't grow
like going on a wild hunt, shooting arrows without a bow
RE: run love, im the truth you're afraid of; any - Dovev - 02-03-2017
His eyes may have been dead and dry, bloodshot. But inside he was not empty. Inside he was raw. A sandpaper scrub to his bleeding heart, an acid to the wound, a burning blight lining every grisly organ in choking pain. Her healing only hurt it further, only drove it home just how bad he was broken; that even her magic could not fix him. She could not cure a shattered soul.
Dovev, her voice alone made his tension begin to melt away whether he wanted it to or not. She was always the one to break their silence. He was always the one to cling to it. Especially here, where he’d left her with but one simple word. And so much heat.
He held still, kept his eyes closed as she approached carefully closer. Part of him wished she’d just leave, just forget about him. Let him be nothing but a strange memory of tender moments. But there was of course another part that begged her closer and closer still, to hold him, to care. To forget everything that happened but their wonderful memories of each other. Relive their time together. Even though he knew he didn’t deserve it. I am so sorry, she said. Why the hell was she apologizing? He had done this. It was all his fault. Everything.
He never should have left Cerva. He never should have been so greedy as to need to protect her and keep her wholly to himself, to be able to fight off any others if he needed to. He should have known she wouldn’t understand, that he’d just be another person to have abandoned her. He’d only wanted to keep her close. Forever. Now he was losing her. If she wasn’t already lost to him. Always, it had been them together. As a child to adulthood, all he’d ever known. He knew nothing else, had never considered anything else. Losing her ripped the foundation from beneath him, threw him from confident and sure to this -this broken and shattered shell. What was he without her?
Porcelain can be so sharp, so cutting.
Can be so fragile.
I just wanted to make sure you were okay.
Her muzzle drifted closer. He could sense it, could nearly feel her again. His eyes slid open, staring ahead at nothing. Waiting to see if she would fall further, make the connection. But after a few long moments, time-stopping breaths, she took a step back. His head turned up to her, black eyes burning with a challenge. A dare. Do it. See what happens. See what I become. Still, he held his silence.
This is the place he’d first found her. The place he’d had a life without Cerva, without the memory of her. The place he’d first learned.. He wasn’t sure what. Something good. Something to counter the darkness. Something he hadn’t stopped craving. Perhaps that was why he’d returned here, to try and feel it again. He was tempted to do it, to push everything else from his mind and fall back into that time. Fall back into her embrace.
I will leave. I promise. I won’t ever bother you again. She meant it. She was not like him, did not clutch so tight to what he wanted that he nearly strangled it in the process. Did not grip the breakable and fragile until they nearly shattered to pieces. His fear had always been his strength. Afraid to lose what mattered to him. It made him ruthless, powerful, merciless. Nothing would keep him from what he cared about, who he cared about. Maybe that’s what happened; he clutched Cerva too tightly. He’d set her down so gently, put her somewhere safe until he could come back for her again. But it was too high. She’d wobbled and fell, broke into a million pieces.
He wasn’t much of a fixer, was he? He was destruction. The end to good things.
It was only a matter of time before Leliana would be squeezed to death, too.
He struggled to sit up, eyes locked on her, burning and blazing and hot. He was too weakened today to do as he had then, to steal from her like an unbidden lover. This time she was the one standing, and he the one curled on the earth. He closed his eyes a moment, letting his cool eyelids soothe the sting in his sleepless eyes. So tired. His breath slowed as if he’d managed to fall asleep, but he couldn’t sleep anymore it seemed.
After a moment, he peered at her from behind half-lidded eyes. He was too exhausted to send her away, to think if he should or not. His chin jerked toward his shoulder, the movement sluggish, gesturing for her to join him. Hoping she might give him rest one last time before tomorrow took her away again. His tongue stuck to the roof of his mouth, his breath still heavy and slow, and he waited to see if she would leave now. Or later.
Dovev, her voice alone made his tension begin to melt away whether he wanted it to or not. She was always the one to break their silence. He was always the one to cling to it. Especially here, where he’d left her with but one simple word. And so much heat.
He held still, kept his eyes closed as she approached carefully closer. Part of him wished she’d just leave, just forget about him. Let him be nothing but a strange memory of tender moments. But there was of course another part that begged her closer and closer still, to hold him, to care. To forget everything that happened but their wonderful memories of each other. Relive their time together. Even though he knew he didn’t deserve it. I am so sorry, she said. Why the hell was she apologizing? He had done this. It was all his fault. Everything.
He never should have left Cerva. He never should have been so greedy as to need to protect her and keep her wholly to himself, to be able to fight off any others if he needed to. He should have known she wouldn’t understand, that he’d just be another person to have abandoned her. He’d only wanted to keep her close. Forever. Now he was losing her. If she wasn’t already lost to him. Always, it had been them together. As a child to adulthood, all he’d ever known. He knew nothing else, had never considered anything else. Losing her ripped the foundation from beneath him, threw him from confident and sure to this -this broken and shattered shell. What was he without her?
Porcelain can be so sharp, so cutting.
Can be so fragile.
I just wanted to make sure you were okay.
Her muzzle drifted closer. He could sense it, could nearly feel her again. His eyes slid open, staring ahead at nothing. Waiting to see if she would fall further, make the connection. But after a few long moments, time-stopping breaths, she took a step back. His head turned up to her, black eyes burning with a challenge. A dare. Do it. See what happens. See what I become. Still, he held his silence.
This is the place he’d first found her. The place he’d had a life without Cerva, without the memory of her. The place he’d first learned.. He wasn’t sure what. Something good. Something to counter the darkness. Something he hadn’t stopped craving. Perhaps that was why he’d returned here, to try and feel it again. He was tempted to do it, to push everything else from his mind and fall back into that time. Fall back into her embrace.
I will leave. I promise. I won’t ever bother you again. She meant it. She was not like him, did not clutch so tight to what he wanted that he nearly strangled it in the process. Did not grip the breakable and fragile until they nearly shattered to pieces. His fear had always been his strength. Afraid to lose what mattered to him. It made him ruthless, powerful, merciless. Nothing would keep him from what he cared about, who he cared about. Maybe that’s what happened; he clutched Cerva too tightly. He’d set her down so gently, put her somewhere safe until he could come back for her again. But it was too high. She’d wobbled and fell, broke into a million pieces.
He wasn’t much of a fixer, was he? He was destruction. The end to good things.
It was only a matter of time before Leliana would be squeezed to death, too.
He struggled to sit up, eyes locked on her, burning and blazing and hot. He was too weakened today to do as he had then, to steal from her like an unbidden lover. This time she was the one standing, and he the one curled on the earth. He closed his eyes a moment, letting his cool eyelids soothe the sting in his sleepless eyes. So tired. His breath slowed as if he’d managed to fall asleep, but he couldn’t sleep anymore it seemed.
After a moment, he peered at her from behind half-lidded eyes. He was too exhausted to send her away, to think if he should or not. His chin jerked toward his shoulder, the movement sluggish, gesturing for her to join him. Hoping she might give him rest one last time before tomorrow took her away again. His tongue stuck to the roof of his mouth, his breath still heavy and slow, and he waited to see if she would leave now. Or later.
RE: run love, im the truth you're afraid of; any - leliana - 02-03-2017
I know what it is but I'm hoping that all is well
no harvest of green but it's still my heart to sell
I put everything I had into something that didn't grow
like going on a wild hunt, shooting arrows without a bow
RE: run love, im the truth you're afraid of; any - Dovev - 02-03-2017
He was a fool. He knew it the most in the way she settled near but apart from him, keeping distance. He was an idiot to think they could go back, even for a moment. He had already destroyed this. Whatever it was. It was what he did, destroyed everything. He swallowed the pain of her distance, the lack of her touch. This was his life now. Emptiness and pain. Inside and out.
Her wings lifted -his eyes flickered- but she only resettled them around herself. Of course she did. Why would she do any different.
He rolled carefully to his side, his spine toward her, and exhaled a heavy sigh. He wasn't sure what he had been thinking. What had Zoryn told her in the forest? He couldn't even remember. Certainly enough that she should be demanding answers, or simply walking away and forgetting him. Instead, she healed him, she stayed, she lay near. How much more of her would he steal before he was satisfied? How much pain must she be in even now and burying it deeper than his own. If she really felt anything for him before, that is. He wasn't sure.
His neck stretched and he slid his head closer to her, pressing against her foreleg. If it was all he would get, he would take it. As he always did, take and steal from her. It was just barely a touch, but the rest of the tension eased and he sighed again.
He knew he couldn't stay here. He couldn't keep putting them through this. Whatever it was. And he needed sleep. He would have to claim it the only way he knew how anymore. Then retrieve his daughter, take her home and raise her. Alone. Cerva wasn't really coming, was she? Had she ever intended to? He smothered the thoughts, drowned them in darkness and pushed them away. First, sleep. Then, whatever came next.
With a weary groan, he dragged himself slowly to his feet, swayed with dizziness. His eyes closed as he waited for the world to steady beneath him. When he finally opened them again, he looked at her. Blank, empty, sad. What had he done to her? Why did she bother staying now? He didn't deserve any of this, and even she knew it. His muzzle fell towards her, but like her own movements earlier, he stopped before he could touch her.
This time, he didn't whisper Ischia. This time he didn't whisper anything. Left her without the tenderness, without the heat. Without a word. He only turned, taking stumbling steps away until his body woke up enough to walk again, his head hanging. It was time to seek the blackness.
Time to fight until he collapsed.
Her wings lifted -his eyes flickered- but she only resettled them around herself. Of course she did. Why would she do any different.
He rolled carefully to his side, his spine toward her, and exhaled a heavy sigh. He wasn't sure what he had been thinking. What had Zoryn told her in the forest? He couldn't even remember. Certainly enough that she should be demanding answers, or simply walking away and forgetting him. Instead, she healed him, she stayed, she lay near. How much more of her would he steal before he was satisfied? How much pain must she be in even now and burying it deeper than his own. If she really felt anything for him before, that is. He wasn't sure.
His neck stretched and he slid his head closer to her, pressing against her foreleg. If it was all he would get, he would take it. As he always did, take and steal from her. It was just barely a touch, but the rest of the tension eased and he sighed again.
He knew he couldn't stay here. He couldn't keep putting them through this. Whatever it was. And he needed sleep. He would have to claim it the only way he knew how anymore. Then retrieve his daughter, take her home and raise her. Alone. Cerva wasn't really coming, was she? Had she ever intended to? He smothered the thoughts, drowned them in darkness and pushed them away. First, sleep. Then, whatever came next.
With a weary groan, he dragged himself slowly to his feet, swayed with dizziness. His eyes closed as he waited for the world to steady beneath him. When he finally opened them again, he looked at her. Blank, empty, sad. What had he done to her? Why did she bother staying now? He didn't deserve any of this, and even she knew it. His muzzle fell towards her, but like her own movements earlier, he stopped before he could touch her.
This time, he didn't whisper Ischia. This time he didn't whisper anything. Left her without the tenderness, without the heat. Without a word. He only turned, taking stumbling steps away until his body woke up enough to walk again, his head hanging. It was time to seek the blackness.
Time to fight until he collapsed.