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  • Beqanna

    COTY

    Assailant -- Year 226

    QOTY

    "But the dream, the echo, slips from him as quickly as he had found it and as consciousness comes to him (a slap and not the gentle waves of oceanic tides), it dissolves entirely. His muscles relax as the cold claims him again, as the numbness sets in, and when his grey eyes open, there’s nothing but the faint after burn of a dream often trod and never remembered." --Brigade, written by Laura


    [private]  in the dark, you burn brighter; elaina
    #11
    Please don’t leave me.

    The thought is more prayer than plea, a tremor sent into the evening air. Having been reunited with her cousin, the russet mare realizes how utterly stupid, how selfish she had been to make this journey without Elaina. The pair could have done it together, faced the wrath of the elements and whatever obstacles stood in their way. The two could have, as Elaina so eloquently put it, blazed a path together.

    Her golden cousin’s comment makes the words come out dry, so deprecating to be mistaken for humor. Lilli has made plenty of wrong turns, too many mistakes and she still feels their burden. It is only here with Elaina that the load lights and seems bearable, that she might be able to shoulder it. Lilli wants to shake her head, to tell her beloved cousin that no – she too often miscalculates or misconstrues the path. It leads her to any place but the destination. The blue eyes dull, trying to prevent her doubts from taking shape in the night air. ”Only because you light the way,” she murmurs.

    Elaina’s lyrical laughter brightens something in the young mare. Her words bring back the images of that beloved river bend, the flowers fragrant and the air full of secrets, much like this night. They might not be there but the atmosphere they create, the memories they share between them, bring a sense of self to Lilli. Their little bend might not exist anymore but this bond does, whole and unbroken as it has always been. ”Then we wouldn’t be such mysterious creatures,” she teases, mirth lurking behind each word.

    Her cousin’s question causes her to falter. Lilli repeats the question in her head and looks away, trying to formulate an answer. ”Do you?” she asks as if they are fillies again and Lilli is still too scared to go first. A heartbeat, two and then she sighs, knowing her answer. ”I did,” she says, ”in the beginning. But it always felt like Father’s home. Everybody seemed to.. belong there.” And then comes the confession, ”I’m not sure that I ever did.” When the words come out, she searches for Elaina in the darkness again, wondering if this admission might deem her as something less worthy.

    As if there might be something wrong with her.

    Elaina’s certainty makes her beautiful. It has always made her so in Lilli’s eyes. It reminded the crimson girl of her father, of her elder brother and sister, so secure in their certainty. Lilliana has always cocooned herself around her cousin’s assurance, a barrier that has protected them both from so many hurts. There is a slight nod as Lilli loses herself in the remembering, the ache of their absence becoming tangible at the moment.

    It hurts. It tears at the cracking parts of her heart, the place where so much love flows in and out like a tide. But with the warmth of Elaina beside her, with her heat, her light, her love, the grief doesn’t cut her as sharply as it often does. It serves as another reminder to Lilli that whatever may come, whatever happens to them, they will face it together.

    ”It was a dream,” comes her whispered voice. It had to have been. The simplicity, the joy, the beauty of it had been to perfect to last. Even Lilli, who would rather see the world for what it might be than what it is, isn’t blind to that fact. Elaina challenges her then, dares to broaden that horizon. The places that Lilli might not be brave enough to go on her own are always illuminated by her beloved cousin. Elaina’s gazes drops and Lilli feels her head drop, her blue eyes looking for the answer on the ground.

    ”How does anyone choose?” Impossibilities. All of it. Thinking, Lilli tries to imagine what she would do. Where would her allegiances lie? Duty over the heart or the heart over responsibility? The actions of her parents, the decisions they made, the sacrifices they offered at the alter of realm and responsibility are one of the reasons why the chestnut has skirted around commitment and responsibility. It is the reason why Elaina stands here as an emerging Politician for Hyaline and Lilli has done her best to find obscurity.

    ”I always thought he broke both their hearts,” comes the dreamy tones of Lilli’s melodic voice. ”I never understood why there couldn’t be any in-between.. a compromise.” But then here, Lilli stops. Elaina had been in Windskeep. She had known the horrors, had lost her father to that senseless war. Valerio, the vanguard of old world order, would have never left any to suffer. Any injustice that he might have prevented or eradicated, that he might have extinguished, he had.

    The consequences of those decisions present themselves here in the slender form of Lilliana. So in a way, the silence admits to Lilli’s refusal to accept that a decision has to be unmitigated, that it has to be everything or nothing.

    Her blue eyes seek out Elaina’s again, always and forever wanting her approval. ”What about you? What would you choose?”

    Another series of thoughts swirl through Lilli’s mind. For a moment, she thinks about seeking a place here in Hyaline. She and her cousin could see Hyaline in the daylight, they could.. what? Be as they had been? As soon as the thought materializes, Lilli knows she is wrong. A loving glance to Elaina gives rise to the feeling of warmth in her chest and the crimson girl knows that Elaina is a creature of freedom. As much as she loves her, Lilli couldn’t tether her the way that Aerwir had tried too.


    ”I’ll keep wishing then,” she teases and flashes a glean of white in the moonlight, her smile broadening. Perhaps not an anonymous existence or one without purpose but Lilli thinks there might be something lovely in the ordinary. ”I’ve got a few spots in mind..” and the memories do catch, playing in her mind. Beloved, beautiful things that she treasures and she keeps tucked firmly in her chest, saved only for moments like this one.

    Lilli leans into Elaina then, pushing out the last of the darkness and the emptiness of the night around them. She doesn’t know how she has gotten this far without her. How did she even manage to find Beqanna without her? Her golden cousin looks to the stars and Lilli is seized with the sudden terror that someone she loves might not be here in the morning. There is an urgency, some unknown reason for her to know how loved she is. Everything can change upon daybreak.

    ”I love you,” she murmurs again to her stargazing cousin and allows herself to stare up at the stars: marveling at the sheer expanse of it all, of how small their existence is and how much of her own existence is tied to Elaina’s, of how utterly lost she would be without her.
    LILLIANA
    i left home on account of snow
    (buried all the things i know)


    @[Elaina] <3 we can wrap this up? if you want to post one more?
    but it's all in the past, love
    it's all gone with the wind
    #12

    I can remember a time when I was so afraid
    when even my shadow wouldn't follow me


    She misses her, the snowy hair girl does. Oh she misses her so much even as she stands beside her, Elaina can see her with golden amber eyes, as she feels the warmth of her. She supposes, this is how it will be forever now, a string of razor-wire pulled taut against the ailing fiber of her heart. Keeping tears out of golden amber eyes when all she wants is her crimson cousin beside her. She is not thinking any ill of Lilli, because to be angry with her cousin would be to be angry with herself. Though, Elaina would always find a far easier time to be angry with her own self than ever to feel even a tremor towards the one she calls a sister.

    Elaina is blind to Lilli’s flaws. To her, Lilli will always be the one who dreams too big and allows her heart to open to anyone who needs it, whether they are deserving or not. It is something Elaina has always admired about her, and, perhaps, had they not been so close, if she did not love Lilli so much and so deeply fight only for her crimson cousin to have the best life she can, Elaina would feel that sting of jealousy for all that lilli was and for what Elaina will never be. “Oh, Lilli,” she says in a way a mother may speak to a child, but her tone, so full of endearment and esteem, holds no patronization. “You could have and in many ways you already have, made it without me,” she says and her eyes sting. This truth is easy to admit because Elaina has never hid it, she wears it like a badge of honor on her sleeve for all to see. “It was me who always needed you.” There is a hint of a frown in her voice, only because she has missed her so much and misses her still.

    The pair of them had grown close in such a short amount of time. Elaina, when first arriving to Murmuring Rivers, had been closed off, distant, scared, as so many children of grief are. But that fateful day when Frostbane had made his way into the meadow they had been getting to know each other in. And from that point on, that pivotal moment, they had been nearly inseparable. “All our secrets would be told,” She says like it would be the very end of the world if those girlish secrets were leaked. Though, in truth, it had been more than secrets Elaina had shared, she had shown Lilli her heart and everything that came with it.

    Elaina’s own gaze shifts away from Lilli’s then, so she wont see the guilt plaguing the back of her hidden behind a thin veil of amber. And the girls are suddenly no longer looking at each other, but each formulating an answer as they stare into the darkness as if it may come to them from the shadows. “I know what is waiting for me back there,” she says. Aerwir: love, children, becoming the epitome of family. “But I don't know if I want that anymore,” she admits. And in truth, she knows, she knows she doesn’t. “And Windskeep, i cant walk by my parents’ graves every day and know that I am not living the life they wished. I cant bare that shame,” she says, but she doesn't mention how she wants to see the world for all three of them, how she wants to make a difference so that she knows they are not truly gone from this world. They live on in their daughter.

    “I know what you mean,” she follows quickly, tagging along to Lilli’s answer like the tail of a kite. She thinks back to when they had arrived in paraiso. All the excitement. She remembers how Brielle and Roland had immediately wandered off to ensure all their old spots were still there and just how they had left them. How Marcelo, Ruth, and Ori had traveled to their little grove, to sleep in spots still laid flat from the years. And how Elaina had wandered to all the spots her parents had been, but in the end, she just could not figure out how to live her own life or forge her own path. Lilli searches for her and Elaina quickly meets her eyes of blue. A promise she had made so long ago, that they had both made: to always be there for each other.

    Elaina looks to Lilli with something like resent in her eyes, but it is hardly (would never be) directed to the red haired girl. “It was certainly as fleeting as one,” she says, there is a bitter taste in her mouth with those words, and she hates the way it feels rough against her tongue. Everyone had stayed behind, as if it had been an easy decision. Alvaro, Marcelo, Ori, Starlett, Valerio. THe names pile up so high Elaina can no longer see the top, until they are like the great trees of Windskeep, far out of her reach. Both in height, and now in distance too.

    “There are good people who do not make good kings, and there are kings who do not make good people,” she says. What category Valerio fell into more so was an unanswerable question, and one Elaina did not like to think about. She loved her brandished gold godfather, admired his bravery, and worshiped his stories. It still doesn't stop the fact that he hurt those he loved, even if it was his love that was doing the hurting. “I think it is hard to be both,” she admits. What Lilli’s thoughts were on the manner Elaina lets the chestnut harbor them to herself.

    She listens carefully and quietly to Lilli’s words. Their friendship had always been the perfect balancing act, executing it perfectly with give and take, listening and sharing. Amber eyes watch the planes of Lilli’s face, gathering the emotions that have settled underneath. “He loved you, all of you, all of us,” she says, knowing that this cant fix things, but she says it all the same.

    “I dont know, Lilli,” she says and she wishes she could give her some wisdom, but in truth, Elaina has so little to spare and what she carries with her, a little backpack worn and weary, she flips through and agonizes over wondering if what she knows if even right. “Love is fickle, duty is reliable, but both can be lonely,” she says. But in the end, hasn't Elaina already chosen? Aerwir sleeping alone in Beyond and Elaina slumbering in solitary was evidence enough. “You always had the best wishes and dreams, I miss hearing about them.” So much, she misses them, you. She misses you, Lilli.

    She then giggles like she was nothing more than a wild eyed filly. Images of sleepovers come to mind and suddenly Elaina is so elated with possibility she thinks she may cry or laugh or dance under the moonlight. The emotions all fall together and so she settles for resting her head closer to Lilli’s and dreaming of their past adventures repeating themselves. They have never really outgrown their childish, girlish antics you know. “I love you too, Lilli, forever and ever.”


    elaina*
    benjamin and beylani's sunflower-girl
    #13
    Elaina’s warmth is the closest she has felt to feeling at peace since she has arrived in Beqanna. With night obscuring the view of Hyaline and her cliffs, Lilli’s body reacts the way as it has always done. Love fills her and unable to keep it in, it pushes the lips of the daydreamer upward as she affectionately presses her shoulder into Elaina once more. The feel of her cousin’s skin next to her own, so familiar and beloved is a balm when all Lilliana has felt recently are the tugs of an ever-changing tide, a current that seems to rip her one way and then another.

    Elaina serves as anchor, steadying her before she is able to caught in it again. How much clearer her head and her thoughts come here, something she knows that comes from her stalwart cousin.

    If you only knew Elaina, how much she longs to be like you. How much she admires you, adores you for your spirit and your fire. How much she loves you for being her home, for being the place where her doubts and insecurities can melt away like ice meeting the spring sunshine. You have saved her more than once, have been with her when the torrents and the storms have raged and she loves you even more for being the calm after it all has passed.

    When Elaina tries to tell her that she would have been fine without her, that she has made it without her, Lilli shakes her head. She refuses those words because, until this night, she has been drowning, swimming in emotions that she can’t even begin to navigate. ”But you found me,” comes her defiant reply, Elaina’s presence in Beqanna proof enough that the universe knows they had needed each other. That no matter what happens, who comes in and out of the revolving door of their lives, this bond between them is something that will see them through until the end of their days.

    And then she presses her head into the arch of her neck again, ”And I will always be eternally grateful to you for that.”

    The words are soft and reverent in the night, full of that gratitude that Lilli has just spoken of. When she pulls away and the cousin’s find their locking gaze again, it is Lilliana’s turn to ache for her cousin. Gently, tenderly, her nose reaches out to give Elaina a touch of reassurance. ”They would be so proud of you,” she says this with a conviction she knows to be absolutely true. She never knew Benjamin or Beylani but she had heard of their devotion to each other, to their daughter and had heard what a tragedy it had been when those two bright stars in the Legacy clan had dimmed.

    She has never known them other than what Elaina has shared and Lilli believes beyond belief that they would have been so proud of their daughter. How could they not be? As a filly, she had traveled half the world by herself to escape war and Frostbane and as an adult, she knows herself well enough to know that she won’t waste her time traveling down the wrong paths. ”Your happiness would have been the most important thing to them. They wouldn’t have wanted anything less for you..,” and if her happiness means a political career instead of the tedium that Aerwir offered, instead of the shackles that he had tried to bind her with, Lilli has no doubts that they would be beaming with pride over their golden daughter, wherever they were.

    Lilli only wishes she could give this certainty to the mare she considers her sister.

    When the conversation comes to her father, that earlier certainty that Lilliana felt vanishes. Elaina tries to give her own wisdom on kings and rulings but the truth is, the girls have no way to make sense of the gilded stallion. Lilliana has tried to understand some his decisions and she finds her mother’s defenses rising up in her mind whenever an accusation tries to form. But at the end of it all, he is her father and she still loves him. She knows that he loved her, her siblings, their mother and that extended to Elaina, to Brynn and her children and so many others. Her cousin confirms the thought but it still casts a shadow. It hurts more knowing that she was loved and still left behind.

    She can hear the plea in Elaina’s voice at her next words and it takes Lilli away from her own thoughts. Love is fickle. Duty is reliable. Both can make lonely bedfellows.  Lilliana decides then that she will stay until the dawn and she will come as often as she can. She can’t bear the thought of Elaina being lonely and if she is honest with herself, a warm body would make her own sleep come so much easier. The thought amuses her and the young mare chuckles, shaking her gently. Perhaps she shouldn’t find the humor in this moment but the only other option is to find only the bleak, depressing loneliness that seems to plague them both. ”Oh, Elaina.” She whispers, her voice still light with the laughter. ”Did you ever think that of all the plans we made, this is where we would be?”

    The plans had been silly, girlish ideas. For Lilli, it had been dreams of knights and valiant deeds done for the sake of love. It had meant being surrounded by her brothers and sisters, having the privilege to grow old with them and have the luxury of watching the next generation of her family blossom. As adolescents, there had been so many plans and dreams and ideas. And the universe, with its eternal sense of irony, has delivered them here. (Not the future that Lilliana had ever pictured but then, that had all gone hazy when Broch never returned from the Summit.)

    That thought always threatens to send her down the precipice of guilt and remorse, of the things she might have done differently but Elaina is here. That particular chasm will wait for another night.

    Her smile quirks and had it been lighter, her cousin might have seen the sadness that dwells there. Lilli misses her dreams too. It’s been so long since she can remember what those dreams had been. But for Elaina, she will summon one. She arches her neck and turns to look sidelong at her cousin, ”I had one the other day. It was a place where it was always sunset and the sky is always painted in blues and pinks and purples. You could wait all day for the colors to fade but they never do. If anything, they become brighter.”

    For Elaina, she can create a world just for them. A world where it is just the two of them and that is enough.

    For the two of them, she won't stop dreaming.

    LILLIANA
    i left home on account of snow
    (buried all the things i know)


    @[Elaina] <3
    but it's all in the past, love
    it's all gone with the wind




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