"But the dream, the echo, slips from him as quickly as he had found it and as consciousness comes to him (a slap and not the gentle waves of oceanic tides), it dissolves entirely. His muscles relax as the cold claims him again, as the numbness sets in, and when his grey eyes open, there’s nothing but the faint after burn of a dream often trod and never remembered." --Brigade, written by Laura
It takes me a minute to realize she had followed me. And it takes me an even longer minute to realize she had put herself directly in the path of those blazing stars. It seems I couldn’t do anything right, not even this. I knew I should never have gone to the shore to see her, but I’d always been so weak. Couldn’t she see that?
My tears are lost in the ocean, the salty droplets swallowed by the briny waters. My long dark locks are plastered against me as a turn my teal eyes to her, not even realizing how brokenly raw my features are as I look at her. “Why did you follow me?” I manage to choke out. “It’s not safe.”
The stars rain down around us, illuminating the water with the bright light before being snuffed out by the churning, icy depths. Even now she is beautiful. Her bright mane floats on the waves, the perfect counterpart to her black skin. I’m such a fool though, because all I want to do is hold her against me. As if I could somehow protect her from the falling rocks. As if I wasn’t the problem here.
I close my eyes against the temptation. I have to swallow several times before I can answer her question without an obvious tremble in my voice. “Yes,” I say before opening my eyes once more to peer out at the waters. “I can’t burn anything down here, at least.”
I turn to look at her imploringly then. Maybe she understands now. Maybe she could see why I can’t stay with her. “You should go,” I plead. “You could get hurt.”
I watch the city burn, these dreams like ashes float away...
Lilitha stared at his face, golden eyes taking in the sharp pain shining from his teal ones. “Safe? Life isn’t safe, Moment. I’m not gonna lose one of the few people who matters to me over something as ephemeral and fleeting as safety. Look at me, do I look like I care about another scar or two? Like I’m scared of a little burning? You’re my friend, Mo. We once said we’d be each other’s family, don’t you remember? I don’t know what that word means to you, but it means a hell of a lot to me. More than running away from a little pain.”
She shook her head as more stars fell around them, hurt flooding her features. Doesn’t it mean anything to you? Don’t I mean anything to you? But she couldn’t bear to ask, not when a no would break her fool heart. He was one of the most important people in the world to her, or he had been once. “Is that what you really want?” she asked, demanding more of him than the fear that let him push her away.
“If you honestly want me to leave, I will.” She wouldn’t push herself on him; she’d learned a long damn time ago there was no point in trying to make someone want her around, make someone love her the way family should. The way friends should. No one ever had, no one ever stayed. And she wasn’t about to throw more of her heart away on someone who wanted her gone. But some small part of her still held onto the hope that she meant more to him too. “But if you say it, you’d better mean it, Mo.”
I can’t tear my eyes away from her lovely face as she suddenly explodes, her words as fierce and heartfelt as she is. My heart squeezes inside my chest as she rails at me. I know I deserve it too. I’d left her even after I promised I never would. It doesn’t matter how good my reasons had been, that is a sin that would always be unforgivable. And I don’t expect her to forgive me, not really. But when she tells me I still matter to her, even after everything, I find myself blinking tears out of my eyes again.
I don’t deserve her. Not even a little bit. But for whatever reason, she still seems to want me around.
Maybe she doesn’t care about being hurt, but the thought of it still terrifies me. I can’t lie to her. I never could. It’s why I’d left, because I knew she wouldn’t care that she was in danger. She’d always been so brave and fierce. Brave enough to stand up to the fairies, to tell them how she’d felt even when it meant she got banned from her home and separated from the only family she’d known. Brave enough to still care about me, even after everything.
“No,” I manage to choke out before closing the distance between us, almost helplessly. “That’s never what I wanted.” I pull her into my embrace, squeezing my eyes closed as I press my cheek against her wet skin. She had to know how much I cared about her. Had to know it’s why I’d left. That it had never been her fault.
“It’s not just scars, or burning,” I finally continue, my voice a little hoarse from tears and salt. “I could hurt you. Really bad.” I could kill her, but the thought is so terrible I can’t voice it. “And I don’t know if I could live with myself if I did that, Litha.” My voice wavers a little over that admission. She had no clue how hard it already is to live with myself. “I love you. So much.” My voice cracks, and I press my face harder against her as I suck in a shaky breath. Maybe she’d understand now. Maybe she’d see it had never been her, that I was the reason I couldn’t stay. But it had been so hard to leave her last time. I don’t think I could do it again if I stayed. I’ve lived with only my own thoughts for long enough now, I know it would be so easy to let her convince me not to go.
I watch the city burn, these dreams like ashes float away...
“Then stop pushing me away, dummy,” Lilitha crooned softly, melting into his embrace, holding him close. “It’s not what I want either.” She rubbed her cheek against his skin, breathing in the scent of him, sea salt and earth and a hint of sharp, acrid burning undercut with more notes of lovely green that mellowed the fire in his scent. Fire that made him smell more like home to her, no matter that it seemed to plague him so. She knew fire, knew the pain it could cause when it burned. And it had damn well never stopped her from using hers. Some days, the pain had only added fuel to the flames.
“I’m not saying neither of us is gonna get hurt, Mo. But it’s worth the risk, isn’t it? Or do you really wanna spend the rest of your life out here alone?” She tugged him a little closer, pressed her scarred chest against him as if to rule out the option of saying he’d rather be alone. He couldn’t possibly, not when she was right here offering him something so much better, offering to chase away that loneliness with cozy warmth and a flicker of firelight just the way she’d used to.
“Stay with me. I love you too, and you can still be my family if you want to. But only if you mean it this time, Moment.” She pulled back to look into his lovely teal eyes, brushing a soft kiss to his cheek in the process. “Don’t you dare say it again unless you’re gonna follow through. My heart can only take so much.” She’d survived it all so far, and honestly if he broke her heart all over again she was probably too stubborn to give up. But for once she wanted to do more than just survive. She wanted a life, wanted to make Taiga a home.
And there was room for him there. If he wanted to be there. “What do you think, Mo?”
She’s way too good me, and I know I don’t deserve her. I don’t know why she still wants me to be family after everything, but I do know I want it so badly too. We even could’ve been a family once, if the stars had never returned. But how could I expect her to take on that burden too? How could I expect her to keep me around, when I’m such a liability to everything and everyone she might love?
Someday maybe she would understand. Someday maybe she would ask me to leave. It would break every piece of me, but I could never blame her if she did.
“Of course I don’t want to spend my life out here alone,” I whisper, pressing my face into her shoulder. “I never did it for me.” That last is barely audible, my mouth pressed against her skin as I squeeze my eyes shut. I don’t really expect her understand that part though. Her life and safety had always been so much more important.
But I’m weak. So goddamned weak. What she offers sounds so incredible, and my stupid lonely heart wants it so bad. To hell with the consequences. I shouldn’t. I’d been strong once. But time and loneliness had eaten away at that strength, and I knew I could never say no. I breath out a shuddering sigh. Breath in, inhaling her scent, her familiarity. “I want that so much.”
It’s an incredible fantasy, one I want to live with every fiber of my being. But my fear still makes me add, “But what if I hurt you? What if I hurt someone else?”
I watch the city burn, these dreams like ashes float away...
“I never did it for me,” he whispered, and Lilitha’s heart ached. No, it never was selfish, them leaving her. There was always some bigger reason, some explanation that made it impossible to hate them. But it never took away the hurt of losing them, even if it was for some nobler purpose. Building a safe home for so many. Keeping her safe. For her own good.
She was really fucking sick of people deciding what was good for her.
“I don’t know, Mo. But I get hurt when you leave too, and a little physical pain’s a hell of a lot easier to bear.” She was good and used to it, though honestly. At this point? She was good and used to people leaving too. “If you don’t want to be alone, then don’t be. Come back to shore, come see Taiga, decide if it feels like a place you could settle. Come home, Mo.” She wanted more than just a few fleeting moments, no pun intended.
“I know it’s scary, but there’s nothing you can do but try. If it goes wrong, that’s part of life. Come with me. Please?”
