"But the dream, the echo, slips from him as quickly as he had found it and as consciousness comes to him (a slap and not the gentle waves of oceanic tides), it dissolves entirely. His muscles relax as the cold claims him again, as the numbness sets in, and when his grey eyes open, there’s nothing but the faint after burn of a dream often trod and never remembered." --Brigade, written by Laura
02-13-2017, 03:48 AM (This post was last modified: 02-14-2017, 12:19 AM by leliana.)
goodbye, my almost lover goodbye, my hopeless dream --
Leliana was so tired of feeling empty—of feeling sorrow.
She was young, but heartache had become a constant companion, carving out space in her chest so that when she woke in the middle of the night, it was with short gasps, the monsters of her dreams still lurking in the shadows of the land. Sleep came to her less and less, even when she curled into the warmth of her sister, and more and more, she found herself wandering away from Tephra at night, trying to find a place where she could find peace. A place where she was not haunted by his face, by constant memories.
It was nearly impossible now, his scent ghosting across the land. Sometimes alone, sometimes intertwined with the scent of others. She never went looking for it, never trusted herself to face it. So she lied. She told herself that it wasn’t him, that she was mistaken, that she couldn’t possibly know. But there, in the deepest pits of her belly, she knew. She turned her face from the truths, but they still rooted there, bare and ugly and crawling up her throat to strangle her. She was not enough—had never been enough.
She dreamt of him. Of Zoryn. Of his daughter’s face when she had found them.
She dreamt of Magnus’ rage.
She dreamt of his back, for it seemed to be the thing she saw most of all.
But such dreams did not come to her tonight and instead she found herself in the forest, purposefully avoiding the places where she had been with him before. The land was quiet and she was glad for it, her wings twisting by her side and then turning into a deep forest green, the feathers lined with gold. They ruffled, as restless as she, and then settled, tucked in tight to the dappled mahogany of her coat.
When she came to a small clearing, she paused, her lovely face frowning as she stared down at the thick coverage of needles. She wasn’t sure who she was anymore, and while part of her wanted to figured that out, right now she was so incredibly tired. So she sank to her knees and closed her eyes.
Praying for rest—for sleep, for unending darkness.
She had not originally intended to insert herself directly into the middle of this drama. (Oh, that isn't to say she doesn't enjoy such things, but under normal circumstances, it is from a fly on the wall perspective, not of someone actively involved.) Certainly she had not intended to stumble upon a face she recognizes in the depths of the forest - not because they have met. No, she had dragged that image from another's sight, but she feels as though she somehow knows her, even if she does not.
She can only blame it on her distraction. She is rarely distracted, so this is a unique experience.
She might have just slipped away, no one the wiser. Indeed, she has the power to ensure she is not seen, even if she might be heard. But she does not. It is not in her nature to let curiosity lie.
And this brown and red mare is definitely a curiosity. That she is here in the forest and not tucked safely away at home even more so.
So instead of slipping away, she approaches. Her blue gaze is bright, vibrant in the darkness even if her features are cloaked in shadow. ”If it is sleep you seek, this is a terrible place for it,” she says softly by way of introduction, an uncommon frankness to her tone.
heartfire
i filled up my senses with thoughts from the ghosts
02-13-2017, 01:29 PM (This post was last modified: 02-14-2017, 12:20 AM by leliana.)
goodbye, my almost lover goodbye, my hopeless dream --
Leliana was not surprised that someone found her, but still it took her a second to open her hazel eyes, to lift her head so that she could focus on the mare standing above her. Despite the agony that raged in her chest, the storm that swirled in her mind, she still gave a soft smile, the kindness apparent. "Oh, sleep has long eluded me." She stretched out her forelegs and heaved herself up, shaking the needles from her coat and settling her wings at her side.
She had no way of knowing that this was yet another mare who had found herself wrapped up in Dovev's embrace, that she was but one of many now. She had no way of knowing that her fears were not only realized but manifested in the one standing before her. But even if she had, her reaction would have been the same—the same soft smile and kind gaze.
How could she do anything else?
"My name is Leliana," she offered, her voice like fog, clear of sleep and gentle. For a moment, she watched the other mare, studying her. She was beautiful, fierce, strong and in many ways, she reminded Leliana of Exist. She had that same fire to her eyes, that same steel beneath her gaze. She admired that, wished she could have the same, but she didn't envy her. Could not bring herself to envy the other. It just wasn't her lot in life to burn that brightly.
She was content with it.
Experimentally, Leliana reached out with her healing, let it rest upon the stranger's brow and then sink into her flesh, work through her veins and muscles, root out whatever pain may linger there. There wasn't much, only minor aches, but it was enough. When her healing came back to her, curled into her palm and then her chest, she smiled again, the sadness almost imperceptible in the folds of velvet crimson lips.
She has always suffered from a terrible practicality. A pragmatism that has led her effectively, if lovelessly, through life. Though she feels them just as strongly as any other, emotions have never ruled her head. She has buried them deep, tucking them safely away until such a time as they could be let out in the most effective manner. She is a patient mare, one who keeps tight control of herself, refusing to give in to the vagaries of life that leave so many adrift with broken hearts and fractured souls.
She could not pretend to understand the pain this mare felt for someone who had not even been her lover. She is not unsympathetic - she had left love behind once, long, long ago - but that practicality is so constantly at work.
Some might believe Leliana only kind because she did not yet know the truth of who Heartfire is. But Heartfire suspects that is simply her nature, suspects she cannot be any other than kind. So very much the opposite of the blue and white-laced mare. She is far from kind, but neither would she purposely be cruel. Curiosity drives her at this particular moment, though she does not pry into her sight. She could without qualm, but she doesn’t yet feel the need to. Mostly she had approached to assuage a curiosity about the man she had so recently left.
She tips her head a bit as Leliana introduces herself. She doesn’t smile, but her features are not unfriendly. ”Heartfire.” Her own introduction is short, though the word is spoken gently. An offering.
She does not hide her surprise when she feels a sudden warmth trickle through her body, a warmth that eases the faint aches and pains of travel from her body. Ones she might not even have noticed if not for the healing that drifts across her skin. Her blue gaze finds that of Leliana, surprise giving way to question.
”Why would you do that? You do not even know me.” The question is said softly, not accusing, merely curious. Heartfire is so unaccustomed to kindness that she truly wonders why a stranger would do such a thing with no expectation of recompense.
heartfire
i filled up my senses with thoughts from the ghosts
02-19-2017, 06:32 PM (This post was last modified: 02-20-2017, 03:25 AM by leliana.)
I waited for something and something died so I waited for nothing and nothing arrived
For her entire life, Leliana had been the calm one—the rooted one.
To the world, she put on a face of utmost serenity, untouched waters, deep lakes with no ripples. It was how she protected herself, how she managed to protect those around her. But strip away that veneer, peel back the boards, and you would find a woman who burned with feelings, tumultuous storms that raged within her belly. Emotions that she could not quench, fires she could not sate no matter how she tried.
Even now, standing with Heartfire, despite the fact that her heart was bruised and painful, despite the fact that her head swam with anguish, her face were tranquil, her smile soft. It was a small amount of control, but it was the only thing she had over her life and she was going to take it. Any amount of comfort.
At the mare’s question, Leliana’s face grew puzzled, the soft angles of her mouth pinching into a rare frown. “No, but just because we’re strangers does not mean you’re unworthy of healing.” She shrugged, the crimson wings at her side fluttering and turning to the blue of Heartfire’s coat. “My healing is not reserved for those I call family and friends. It would be inherently selfish of me to do so.”
Leliana gave of herself wholly to those who needed her—without barrier or reservation. It was simply who she was. It was how—it was how she had her heart so terribly ravaged by Dovev in the first place. For a moment, her wings shifted again, at first turning obsidian and then bordered by the same ivory of Dovev’s armor, small blue constellations appearing between the dark leather. Leliana glanced back for a moment and frowned again, purposefully ruffling them until they returned to their familiar crimson.
She took a second to compose herself before she glanced back to Heartfire, her face neutral and calm once more. “We don’t have to remain strangers though,” a soft smile. “I could always use more friends.”
it's our dearest ally, it's our closest friend it's our darkest blackout, it's our final end
Perhaps, in that one small respect, they are similar. Perhaps it is that very similarity that had attracted his attention in the first place. Heartfire could not know, of course. She can see much, but she cannot see the inner workings of the mind. She cannot read thoughts, only visions. And so, while she is incredibly knowledgeable, she can only ever know a situation, not its motivations.
But that is not what circles through her thoughts at this particular moment. No, she is not entirely certain she wants to know Dovev’s thoughts anyway. What intrigues her now is the nature of the mare before her. A mare who exhibits true kindness, something often sought but rarely witnessed. Heartfire could never hope to be so unselfish. This mare is inherently selfless, as evidenced by her words, while the blue and white mare is inherently the opposite.
Heartfire, however, has never lived in a world of black and white. No, hers is overwhelming in its greyness, neither good nor evil, kind nor cruel. And given all she has seen, it is so clear that the rest of the world is just the same. Oh, there are rare pockets of one extreme or the other, but most are simply grey. In that respect, she and Dovev are far more similar. She should have been angry at what she had witnessed him do, but she finds she cannot. Like calls to like, after all.
But this mare is everything good and right. She can understand the attraction.
”You are unique then,” she responds with frankness many would find startling. Still, she would be surprised if Leliana had not yet recognized just how truly rare such selflessness is.
Her next words surprise her, such an easy offer of friendship to a woman she scarcely knows. Heartfire is very short on friends, and though it might be nice to call her such, she understands the ways of the world too well to find the possibility likely. ”I am not certain you would find me good material for friendship.” She pauses then, tipping her head as she considers Leliana, recalling the way her wings had shifted briefly before she had fluffed them back to normalcy. She should keep quiet, but she finds she cannot be so false. ”I can see why Dovev is drawn to you.”
heartfire
i filled up my senses with thoughts from the ghosts
I waited for something and something died so I waited for nothing and nothing arrived
Leliana dips her head, a shy smile curving velvet lips, even as the puzzled expression draws her brows together. “I would hope I’m not unique.” Her wings ruffle, remaining their same dip-dyed crimson. She could not bear to live in a world where she was unique—where it was strange to be truly kind and truly interested in the common good. What a sad world that would be. Leliana had to believe that there was more goodness out there than the seemingly cruel environment; she had to believe that good existed.
Still, she has no desire to fight the subject and so she lets it drop, looking up at the blue and white mare from beneath her lashes. The mare seems to self-assured, so frank, so bold; Leliana at once yearns to have some inkling of that confidence while simultaneously wondering what made the mare so cynical. Was it so difficult for Heartfire to believe that someone would be genuinely interested in her life? In her?
Was that so strange for her?
Shaking her head, she frowns. “Oh, I somehow doubt that.” She tilts her head, giving the barest hint of a smile, “I imagine you would be a great fr—” but the word dies in her throat when she hears what the other mare says. The name sinks into her flesh, into her mind, and it takes everything within her to not flinch from it. Internally, her stomach flips and her heart clenches, but she remains calm except the barest spark of pain in her eyes. “Dovev?” it was impossible to not taste the sweetness of the syllables, the anguish of the blade it buries between her ribs. How did this mare know him? Know of their relationship?
She swallows, the barest fluttering of fear starting at the base of her throat, but her expression still calm. Had they talked about her? Had Dovev whispered into her blue ears their story? Had Heartfire laughed at the poor sweet mare who thought she could love a supernova? Shame burns the back of her throat, but she forces herself to meet the mare’s gaze, confusion clear on her face. “Do you know him?”
it's our dearest ally, it's our closest friend it's our darkest blackout, it's our final end
Leliana’s confidence in the goodness of others is somewhat refreshing, but it leaves Heartfire feeling the beginning hints of pity for the young girl who is no doubt in for a world of pain. Though they do not appear terribly dissimilar in age, Heartfire has lived far too long for any such naivete. Something that has saved her from any such heartache. It is cynical, perhaps but then, she has seen too much of the world. The callousness she has been privy to is enough to make even the softest hearts hard.
She wishes she could say she is surprised when Leliana’s hopeful statement trails off before she can complete it. Perhaps she could have continued as they had been, could have developed a friendship cloaked in deception. She has been called cold before, but the ice has never extended that deeply. To her, the manner of brutal honesty she so often wields is a kindness, even if it does leave her with few friends.
Though, to be honest, there are probably few others who would view it that way. Honesty is a double edged blade, as Heartfire knows far too well.
And though Leliana might do her very best to hide it, Heartfire can see the pain that name brings. A shock that nearly vibrates through her, no doubt heralded by a hundred questions, each more awful than the last.
For a moment, Heartfire wonders why anyone would give their heart so freely to such a faithless creature. She knows love, and this… this is not it. Attraction, obsession, infatuation, whatever one wanted to call it, she refuses to name it as love. The love she had known had been pure and true. Full of obstacles, certainly, but real love does not cause pain. Not intentionally, at least. And there is no doubt Dovev had been filled with intention.
”I do.” Her response is soft, thoughtful in a way. A small part of her, a very small part still filled with goodness, with kindness, feels sympathy for the brown and red mare. A much larger part pities her. ”Do you love him?”
It shouldn’t matter, but somehow, it does.
heartfire
i filled up my senses with thoughts from the ghosts
I waited for something and something died so I waited for nothing and nothing arrived
For everything Leliana is feeling, overcome by, the one thing she does not feel is animosity. Even if this mare were to tell her everything, even if she were to whisper the sweet things Dovev has said, or the way that he held her, she could not feel anger toward Heartfire. Perhaps Leliana is foolish, but she is incapable of it; her heart beats too steadily for others for her emotions to turn so dark, so vengeful. So her eyes don’t sharp with anger or distrust, although the pain in them runs deep, the bruises in her chest aching.
This was everything she knew was coming—everything she knew in her bones. For a moment, a brief and splitting moment, she considers lying—if only to protect herself. Lying because all of this was so much easier when she pretends that she does not love him, that she has not sacrificed her heart to him, that the first moment he cradled her did not steal her away. But, like her kindness, honesty is not something she can negotiate away and it’s not a shield she can pick up simply because she feels weak.
She must face this, and she must face it head on. So she frowns, glancing down at the forest earth beneath them, taking a shaky breath to try and steady her nerves. Then she glances up and meets the other’s gaze, her hazel eyes unwavering. “I do,” she confesses, and a weight lifts from her chest, the unspoken words hung out to dry between the two. She doesn’t know why it is relieving to have said it, but she breathes easier, despite the sharp pain in her chest, the shattered glass splintering apart in her veins. She is ready, for whatever Heartfire has to say, for whatever she has to tell her. She is ready to know the truth.
“How do you know him?”
The words are soft and unassuming, quiet as they spill into the air. At her side, her wings shift again, this time to the indigo and peach of her sister, the base of it starting pale and then fading slowly into the blue of her sister. It was comforting to think of Exist here, of her twin pressing into her side. It steels her, readies her, and when she finds the face of Heartfire again, her expression is neutral—calm. Prepared.
it's our dearest ally, it's our closest friend it's our darkest blackout, it's our final end
There is a reason Heartfire guards her heart so closely. Though, in truth, she has met few who could ever even come close to placing her heart in danger. Still, for such a tender organ, it is astounding how easily so many will simply hand it away.
Her companion’s soft, simple declaration serves only to solidify her opinion. ”That is a shame,” she remarks quietly as her blue gaze studies the downcast expression of the crimson-tipped mare.
Were she a different mare, she might actively seek out Leliana’s animosity. Might tell her of how she had discovered her, of how she had worn Leliana’s face and of how he had preferred Heartfire’s own. But she is no more jealous than she is cruel. No matter what Dovev had stirred inside of her, she no more wants to keep him for herself, no more wants to love him, than she does any other.
Instead she tips her head slightly, examining the way her companion’s wings shift as she asks her next question. Her expression and tone might be neutral, unassuming, but that small action, that plea for familiarity, betrays her discomfiture. Heartfire considers the question for a moment, determining how best to answer. She might attempt to do this woman a favor, to help her overcome such ill-fated love, but in her rather broad experience, this is a pain one must first experience before any true understanding can develop.
Still, she is far from a benevolent creature. And Leliana might be better served by experiencing that pain sooner rather than later,
”The answer would break your heart, I’m afraid. If he cared for you the way you so clearly do him, I would think he might be a bit more… discreet.”
heartfire
i filled up my senses with thoughts from the ghosts
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