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    COTY

    Assailant -- Year 226

    QOTY

    "But the dream, the echo, slips from him as quickly as he had found it and as consciousness comes to him (a slap and not the gentle waves of oceanic tides), it dissolves entirely. His muscles relax as the cold claims him again, as the numbness sets in, and when his grey eyes open, there’s nothing but the faint after burn of a dream often trod and never remembered." --Brigade, written by Laura


    [mature]  it's something within me; raelynx
    #1
    ((Okay well massive trigger warning - suicidal pony. idfk what happened but lol yeah bringing her out of the closet brought out some shit and she’s more of a wreck than I am right now. Needs something, and obviously isn’t too fussed about what, so. Come at her if you want? Baddies welcome, she honestly couldn’t care less what happens to her right now, though I’d like her to survive it thx. Otherwise she’ll just head back to the fam, nbd.))

    God, it was endless. She’d thought if she waited long enough it’d stop hurting, stop feeling so wrong, stop feeling like she was the broken piece slicing through the joy in their lives, bringing everything and everyone down with her. Give it time and the bond would kick in, the love, the feeling of blissful contentment that was supposed to come from nursing her babies, watching them grow, breathing in their sweet baby scent. 

    But she’d given it a year, and she still felt like a stranger invading someone else’s life, watching someone else’s kids, not telling someone else’s kids the truth of their origin. They were strangers with faces she knew the shape of, and every day that passed that she didn’t fall irrevocably, head over heels in love with them made her feel more and more like her own shitty mother.

    She should’ve known she wasn’t built for this. It wasn’t in her DNA, wasn’t in her raising, wasn’t coded into her body or her soul the way it was in other women. She was her mother’s daughter, and Mom had named her well. She was disaster, down to her core, down to the marrow of her bones.

    So she slipped away, leaving the girls’ father to watch over them though they were old enough they didn’t need watching over, and god, just took a minute to try to pull herself together. She wandered, letting her feet carry her away from that life for a little while, away from the endless need of two young girls and a man who wanted things she couldn’t give him. She wandered, and her feet brought her to the edge of the river, wide and rushing and glorious, and for the first time in a year she felt something, just a little spark, a little shimmer of hope.

    There was one way out, at least.

    She closed her eyes, breathed in the scent of the water and let herself imagine walking out into the current, one step at a time. Just a gentle tug at first, the water playing against her skin, flowing past and tracing tender fingertips along her ankles. The current building as she stepped deeper, stronger and more insistent as it rose up to her knees, but still just a nudge. More of a shove though as it rose to brush against the underside of her belly, as she walked deeper still, pressing and crashing against her and engulfing her chest, her feet slipping and losing contact with the riverbed. Maybe a moment of panic, survival instinct kicking in and her limbs flailing, scrabbling for purchase on slick rock, writhing and struggling as the river swept her up, tugged her under. Choking as water flooded her lungs, thrashing and trying to reach the surface, watching the water distort the light that began to fade from the edges of her vision. Her limbs slowly stilling, black bleeding in from the edges until the last of the light faded and everything was dark and quiet and peace swallowed her down.

    She opened her eyes, her whole body shaking with how badly she wanted to do it. God, she could, and it would be as easy as just walking forward until something bigger swept her away, pulled her under, and made it all stop. Took everything she’d become and just swallowed it down until there was no more disaster, not a trace, all of her washed away in the current. Her eyes widened, her breath caught in her chest, and she raised a foot to take a step forward. 

    And set it back down, sighing as hope faded from her eyes again. Her head lowered toward the ground, too heavy to hold up as the weight of it all settled on her again. She turned her back on the river and started slowly walking toward home, feet dragging with the effort to stand up and keep moving forward.
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    it's something within me; raelynx - by Disastardly - 09-15-2018, 01:04 PM



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