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this is the first day of my life; leliana - vulgaris - 08-25-2018 Vulgaris
The moon is nothing more than a sliver of white in the night sky that offers only a little light to the land below. His moss green eyes watch as navy-black clouds lazily drift over the moon and stars. Vulgaris is restless, tossing and turning in his every attempt at sleep even as the hours creep into a very early morning. An agitated sigh leaves him as he rises from the ground. Tonight will bring him no respite from all the anxious thoughts plaguing him so he might as well return to the river to see what other sleepless creatures have gathered there. In truth, there is some latent piece of him that is incessantly drawn to Leliana. He does not mean to seek her out again so soon but the night feels so cold without anyone against his side. The serpent boy imagines what she’ll look like when their child grows too large to hide from curious onlookers. Will it have her hopeful eyes? His cheeks burn hot when he thinks of these things and he’s glad no one is speaking to him yet or he might trip over his words. After tucking all these precious questions somewhere deep into the belly of his heart, he lifts his head to examine those around him. There, in the distance, he sees her dark red mane twisting and curling in the light breeze. His heart flutters for a moment before he steels himself against such frailty. Vulgaris continues forward, meandering as though his path will not inevitably lead to her unless by chance. He approaches her from behind and feigns surprise at the recognition halfway through passing her by. “Leliana, are you alone?” he asks as he turns to face her. His lips briefly kiss at the delicate place where her jaw meets her neck before he pulls back. Too eager, he thinks. Too vulnerable. All his softness retreats from his skin and burrows deep beneath his ribs where it knows it is safe. Still, some glimmer of warmth curls the corner of his lips into a grin. Perhaps she cannot see it in the darkness of the night. RE: this is the first day of my life; leliana - leliana - 08-25-2018 I know what it is but I'm hoping that all is well I put everything I had into something that didn't grow @[vulgaris] RE: this is the first day of my life; leliana - vulgaris - 08-27-2018 Vulgaris
He wonders if she would be angry to know he was a father before he knew her. Are his sins any less if he swore she would be the last, though? Shame covers him like a cloak and he finds himself avoiding her eyes at the thought of how many children he’s senselessly fathered. Nothing ever filled up all that empty inside him and his heart is still as dark as they day he first killed. Still, there is a pinprick of light left in there for Leliana to tear wide open like curtains in an abandoned house. Every part of him wants her to kiss him like it’ll baptize him, like her love is going to wash him clean and make him whole again. (How could he ever be whole when he’s given away so many pieces of himself?) She says his name like a hymn and already he’s resting in the palm of her hand, hers to crush or keep as she pleases. Dreams of filth and infernal tongues flood his mind but he pushes them under for now. His angel (his, always and forever his) replies that she is alone. Vulgaris wants to coil around her warmth and keep it all for himself like the greedy monster he is. Her question almost startles him though and he looks her in the eyes now when he answers her. “I’m always alone when you’re not near,” he says in a voice that is just breaths above a whisper. It isn’t clear whether or not he means it but he doesn’t hide from her gaze either. Lying is a second language for him that he slips in and out of so fluidly, after all. His eyes, suddenly vibrant and alive, watch her wings change to mimic the scales across his face and torso. How could she possibly be drawn to something so vile as him? How could someone so divine every willingly carry his child? A slow sigh escapes from him as he steps closer to her before he reaches out to gently rest his lips on the side of her neck. Just beneath his kiss, he can feel her pulse softly racing through her veins. The hunger does not come. All is quiet within his mind as he breathes her in. "Why am I so strong and so weak around you?" He doesn’t quite admit his defeat aloud but he does resign himself to his fate as he leans further against her. Their chests press tight together so he can trace his lips over the places on her shoulder where he’d dragged his teeth across before. God, he'd tasted every inch of her she was willing to give. Vulgaris expected angry scabs and rough wounds to memorialize that night but he finds only more perfection beneath his eager lips. The four letter word surfaces in his mind but he crushes it before it can blossom in his heart. Not yet, not when she doesn’t know him for what he really is. He knows that she’ll leave on that day. Leliana will turn and walk away from everything he has to offer and he’ll be left alone in that abandoned house once again. RE: this is the first day of my life; leliana - leliana - 08-27-2018 I see a ghost out on the water; I swear it has my face I bend and drink the lonely down, the lonely down I’m gonna stand here in the ache until the levee on my heart breaks @[vulgaris] RE: this is the first day of my life; leliana - vulgaris - 08-30-2018 Vulgaris
With her pressed tight to him, all his skeletons peek from his closet and every vile secret threatens to bubble up from the singularity of his heart. He wants to give her everything – the best parts of him, all the bloodied sins, and every nightmare that wakes him in the middle of the night. God, he’s so full of secrets that letting them out might make him disappear altogether, leaving nothing but his skin and teeth for her to love. This identity he’s built for himself is all that’s held him up long enough to meet her, anyway. How quickly would she run away if she knew the deepest shadows of his soul? (Or would she try to drink it all in and let it drown her like some modern Ophelia?) He sighs. She has known pain and heartbreak but in different ways than he has. Loneliness has driven him mad, left him pining for Shiya when she should have been a monsoon to the candle flame of his desire. It disgusts him to remember but it lingers there like a blister almost ready to burst. Maybe it’s why he slipped so easily into her palm and stayed there for a while. Such a pleasure to burn with want beneath her touch. And still, he wants to let her in, wants to show her the gallery of his evil before he could ever allow her to care for him. How could she kiss his scars away without knowing how they came to be? How could the bird love the serpent who eats her? But the words are already there and he can’t take them back any more than he could sever himself from her now. He touches his lips to the place where her mane ends and her spine is just beneath the skin. A single bite here and she’d die within minutes. (Ghosts of his past, all twitching and bright red while their bodies give up hope, come to mind.) But he remains gentle and kind. He’s never harmed a girl once he’s slept with her. Their bodies become some kind of sacred once they’ve been offered up to him and he could never tarnish them, especially not this one. She’s the gilded altar of his heart, the Hail Mary of his hope. If she gave the command, he’d find his other lovers and crush their windpipes just to see her smile. A shiver trails its fingers along his spine as he rests his chin across her. Surrender has never felt so sweet, he thinks. Her words are a lullaby when they reach him and he smiles so peacefully at the sound of her voice. But her question is also a nail that crucifies him, nails him to the wall so love can finally have its way with the serpent. He’s been running so long that he thought it might never get the chance to sink its claws into him. Such a foolish monster, he is. “I don’t deserve someone like you, Leliana. I think you should know that before we go on like this,” he says quietly. Part of him doesn’t want her to hear but the earliest hours of the morning are silent aside from their breathing. “I’ve hurt a lot of people. I’m gonna keep hurting them too. I don’t know how else to be.” It’s the honest truth of the matter, really. Unless he’s curled into the safety of her warmth every hour of every day, then there is no joy when he isn’t breaking someone’s smile. All the anger he’s tried so hard to lock into the cellar of his soul just comes boiling up. Next thing he knows, he’s consuming any purity he finds in the world like it’ll baptize him from the inside out. “I can only promise you that I’ll never let anything hurt you – not me or anyone else. I’ll rip the gods from the skies before I let that happen.” Maybe she can feel how tense he is now. Maybe she’ll ask him what he means, and he’ll have to crawl away from her light. Regardless, it’s too late now and he has to live with what he’s done. RE: this is the first day of my life; leliana - leliana - 08-30-2018 I see a ghost out on the water; I swear it has my face I bend and drink the lonely down, the lonely down I’m gonna stand here in the ache until the levee on my heart breaks @[vulgaris] hi i respond obnoxiously fast sometimes. i sorryyyy. RE: this is the first day of my life; leliana - vulgaris - 08-30-2018 Vulgaris
His father tried to sew some kind of light into him when he was still a small child. The tired old king tried to weave what little kindness he had to offer into their lives and show him that life was more than blood and pain. Anger was always so much easier, though. Why settle arguments and find compromise with your neighbor when you could just chew his spine from his body and take all that was his? He tried so hard to even comprehend those feather soft emotions and the warmth of goodness but all those delicate things could never take root in him. The sun never shines on his face. He lifts his gaze to match hers when she pulls back to watch him. Something deep within begins to coil, twisting and waiting with feral eyes as she commands him. Promises come falling from her lips and he knows that she believes every word she says. But she is not a confessional; she cannot be the place he comes to bury all his demons. This is his cross to bear and he knows this all too well, so he says nothing in response. She says she’s been to hell before and his lips part to bare his teeth at the thought. He brushes his nose across her cheek as a low growl rumbles, primordial and burning hot, from his throat. “Do you want me to hunt them? I could make them pay,” he says without thinking. The point of what she says is lost on him and all he hears is that someone has hurt her in the past. Always, Vulgaris thinks to pry desperate apologies from others rather than to wait for their guilt to settle in. He believes his enemies should be made to feel tearful remorse and then have hope crumble to dust before them. What other way could there be than this? Leliana kisses him and vows not to change him just like he had dared to hope she would. He breathes a slow sigh against her soft skin and still the hunger does not come to darken his door. Maybe he can’t learn to be some light in the darkness, but he wants to make a home for her within him. Someplace safe where at least she can find refuge from the cruelty of the world around them. Could some fraction of softness be enough for her, he wonders? Would it ever be enough to make her stay? “I was never afraid until I met you. Now I’m terrified,” he confesses against her ear. And it’s the truth. He’s scared of losing her, of losing their unborn child. He’d nearly forgotten the tiny life within Leliana and the realization sends his heart crashing against his ribs like it wants to escape. They’re going to be a family. But then she’s said the word he’s been dodging from the moment he saw her and somehow speaking its name has made it real for him. He takes a deep breath as he stands on the edge of now and eternity. It’s time to take the leap, he supposes. “I need you. I love you, now and forever,” he says as he kisses at the corner of her jaw. There's something desperate in the way he tastes her skin and his breath grows ragged against her. RE: this is the first day of my life; leliana - leliana - 08-30-2018 I see a ghost out on the water; I swear it has my face I bend and drink the lonely down, the lonely down I’m gonna stand here in the ache until the levee on my heart breaks @[vulgaris] RE: this is the first day of my life; leliana - vulgaris - 09-03-2018 Vulgaris
He wants to crack his ribs apart and show her where it hurts the most, to tell her every secret he’s ever kept from everyone else. Vulgaris wants to let her in and lock the door behind her so she’ll be trapped there forever but the house of his heart is not a home. It will never be warm enough or bright enough to nourish her soul and give her what she needs to thrive in this world. Instead, he decides that he will protect her from all the ugliness like him and stay by her side even when the storms threaten to tear everything apart again. Words have never come easily to him but he can show his love in this way, at least. He softens around the edges when she declines his offer to consume whatever upset her, relaxes against her while he idly kisses at her skin in apology. Something aches in him to think that someone could forget a girl like her and that feeling bleeds out into his thoughts. Could she ever forget him? He had meant so little to so many that he wonders how she could be different. But fear finds no place within him and he trusts that her words are true. She could lie for the rest of their lives together, he thinks, and he would still offer her his heart on a silver platter as he does now. Leliana makes all that empty inside him into a garden that might actually bloom some day. I’m yours. The words pour over him like molten iron and his skin feels too hot to even breathe, he thinks. He takes up her offering, however tarnished she thinks it may be, and builds a temple around it to memorialize its splendor. Vulgaris shivers at her next words and opens his eyes to stare at the curve of her belly. It doesn’t yet betray the little life it carries but he knows his child is in there somewhere, curled up tight in its slumber while it waits for its birthday. A smile finds his lips and it is the first sincere expression he’s worn in so long. “Where do you live, Leliana?” he mumbles against the heat of her skin as he continues to watch her stomach. His head feels dizzy and his thoughts are so far away as he drifts through this moment like a dream. Still, he wants to know that she is somewhere safe. The idea of being in Loess without her has begun to loom over him. “You could live with me, that way we’re never apart from one another.” He’s greedy for her time and her affections but he makes no attempt to hide this from her. Instead he lays it all out on the table for her and waits for her to accept or crush him and all his hopes. Even if she did decline, he’d come crawling to her for even a second with her. To him, her face is that of the sun and there is no survival without it. RE: this is the first day of my life; leliana - leliana - 09-03-2018 I see a ghost out on the water; I swear it has my face I bend and drink the lonely down, the lonely down I’m gonna stand here in the ache until the levee on my heart breaks |