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Not all Good Things are Bad; Kagerus, any - Ilma - 03-07-2018
@[Kagerus] RE: Not all Good Things are Bad; Kagerus, any - Kagerus - 03-08-2018 Out with the golden we sew, and the lower past that crawls. Now, to the doorway you run, to the girl that's not lost. Where Ilma's memories cause her to grin and blush, mine bring only confusion and turmoil. A part of me loved what Rapt and I shared that night in the dream (lost in each other's embrace, minds sacrificed to the way our skin caught fire when brushed together), and yet no love could ever change what has now been bestowed upon me. The child. Not yet wide enough to swell my barrel - but soon. Too soon. And with every day closer to birth, the fear inside of me rises. I don't want to die. I don't want for my brother to hate me because of it. I don't want my child to grow up without a mother -- -- I shudder (though not because of the cold). I need to get my mind off this - with the Beqanna games started, and the Alliance too, I am well in need of some relaxation. I won't have much time to do so for a while... And if I am to die because of this child, then I deserve to at least enjoy the months it gives me until that time. I am wandering past an outcrop of mountains, the river falling some ways to my right, when a crystal call wafts to my ears. Ears and head perking in the noise's direction, I hesitate for a moment before kicking myself forward: I just said that I needed a distraction, and this is it. Hopefully I will be able to contain myself this time, unlike when I met with Solace - I am still embarrassed by how emotionally I acted then. Putting on a brave face and a smile, I whinny back to the figure who I now place as Ilma, her wings squeezed around a belly that I can't quite identify as pregnant yet. Fresh snow crunches beneath my hooves as I walk, and before long, our misty breath is mixing as I reach out to nuzzle her soft nose. We are kingdom-mates now, but more than that: friends, too. "Hello Ilma," I say with a pleasant tone, determined to keep my secrets secret... Even though this woman knows my deepest fear. "I'm glad to see you still around Hyaline. How have you been?" Kagerus sweet nothing @[Ilma] RE: Not all Good Things are Bad; Kagerus, any - Ilma - 03-09-2018
@[Kagerus] RE: Not all Good Things are Bad; Kagerus, any - Kagerus - 03-12-2018 Out with the golden we sew, and the lower past that crawls. Now, to the doorway you run, to the girl that's not lost. I had seen the crowds in the stadium that day, and I had been informed of the team lists, too. It's evident in our exchanged gaze that both of us know exactly what I have uttered so publicly, but there's also a kindness and understanding passing between us - a kind of quiet denial to show that there's respect between us for the more private aspects of our lives. My gratitude shows in the depths of my glimmering nutmeg eyes. My brows curl a little in curious confusion at Ilma's fumbling words however, and I smile, trying to encourage her to get it all out in the open. I couldn't with a good conscience not let this mare spill the beans if even I can't keep it together sometimes! And besides, I consider Ilma my good friend, and she can trust me. At least, I feel as if I can trust her, which is worth something between us. "It sounds like you've had tons on your mind lately!" I chuckle amiably, reaching out to bump noses with the mare. "But I'm glad you've been keeping busy. Hyaline has been a little... Empty these days, but I'm pleased to hear that you've been recruiting, as I have been." Feeling that this conversation is a little too political for mares as close as we are, I clear my throat loudly, obviously for effect. Then I shrug my shoulders, smiling a little sheepishly. "Anyway, you know about my little gift," I motion to my still-flat belly, and then turn to wiggle my brows at the beautiful snow-white figure. "Were you also... blessed this fall?" There. How's that for unpolitical discussion? Kagerus sweet nothing @[Ilma] RE: Not all Good Things are Bad; Kagerus, any - Ilma - 03-16-2018
@[Kagerus] RE: Not all Good Things are Bad; Kagerus, any - Kagerus - 03-22-2018 Out with the golden we sew, and the lower past that crawls. Now, to the doorway you run, to the girl that's not lost. She responds to my cheeky prompt with a sheepish grin that tells me everything I need to know before any words leave her lips, and I smile back girlishly, as if we are two gossiping girls instead of grown women burdened with the responsibility of parenthood, or, y'know, death. At any rate, I've had my emotional release with Solace, and I needn't burden another mare with my sorrows, especially one that already knows about them, as anyone who was present that day now does. "My partner is elusive as well," I offer, thinking to Rapt, my river-dwelling lover, the whom I crawl back to again and again. But Ilma is offering a different kind of favour, then, and I cast my gaze downward, humbled at her generosity and humanity. That she would put herself in that position - and even going so far as to include Solace - an intense gratefulness swells my bosom at the fact that I chose this land. I would not be here without Hyaline - I would be in despair, purely and utterly. "Thank you, Ilma, that means more to me than you know." I step forward, pressing my muzzle to her hers in wordless gratitude. As I am pulling back, her eyes flash into mine, and she asks a far less sensitive question; my ears flick back, uncomfortable at such a light question for such a heavy topic, but I ease them forward, deciding to divulge as much as I can without rendering myself an emotional mess like before. "I met Rapt, like I said. At the River. He's... Beautiful, and lovely. I took him to where I dream, and I suppose... I suppose I became addicted to the feeling of him pressed against me in that Other World. By the time I considered that our relations while dreaming could have real-life effects, it was... too late." My eyes study the grass, frowning, hating myself. "And it's awful because I... I was happy. I was elated. I wanted to be a mother." "Now, I will never get to be." Kagerus sweet nothing @[Ilma] RE: Not all Good Things are Bad; Kagerus, any - Ilma - 03-22-2018
@[Kagerus] RE: Not all Good Things are Bad; Kagerus, any - Kagerus - 03-29-2018 Out with the golden we sew, and the lower past that crawls. Now, to the doorway you run, to the girl that's not lost. Though she nods as if in understanding, I am not sure she does; she understands her situation with her partner, yes, but when I say elusive, I mean to others besides myself. Unto me, Rapt is far from elusive: he is obedient, patient, knelt to receive my ever whim as if it were a command. He is precious and darling and before I found out about the death inside of me, I think I could have been in love with him - but these are things I can't consider any more, because for the love of god, how can I truthfully consider anything in my right mind any more? But regardless of her limited understanding, my alabaster friend is there for me, pressing into me and lending me a sense of grounding that I so desperately needs at times like these, when it would seem that I can barely exist in reality at all. I breathe in her lovely scent, closing my eyes and concentrating on our close proximity, remembering that there are those who love me, and that in her own way, Ilma is one of them. "Something like that... It was more that we conceived the child in a dream, and I brought back the fertilized egg into the real world. It was small enough that it could support itself in reality without fading like my wings. It would be a miracle, if it weren't a nightmare." Inhaling shakily, I lift my head from her shoulder to gaze around us, my mane billowing in the warm wind. At her final suggestion however, my ears press back and I look to her in both curiosity and apprehension. For a time, I am quiet; considering; thoughtful. "You know, it had never occurred to me that that might be a possibility but..." And here my eyes turn again, downcast, worried and stressed and overwhelmed with my fruitless reality. "But I will try it, when the time comes. Thank you for giving me hope, dear friend." Turning once more, I smile, and move to press my lips to her a final time. "I have to be off now though, I promised Khaedrik that I'd show him the bottom of the lake in my dreams. Hopefully I'll see you again before..." I pull a face, blink at her fondly, and turn to leave. With every step, my heart sinks further. Goodbye, sweet Ilma. Kagerus sweet nothing @[Ilma] |